So where were we?
Consequences. Things have consequences. And we have to face them.
Yes, we do.
On the outside, my past actions of not working very hard at university and managing to get out of any prior consequences seem to have not impacted on my life in any way. After all, I didn't get into any trouble, I got good grades, went to a good university, and today I'm none the worse for wear.
I didn't take responsibility for my past actions. I blamed other circumstances. I wasn't feeling well. I just couldn't do it. Something came up. I never faced the truth. I was lazy. I didn't want to do it. I couldn't be bothered. I didn't work as hard as I could have. But now I have, I'm faced with thoughts of me not being or doing good enough. It doesn't matter if everyone else is proud of what I achieved, I know I could have done better. And that applies to most things in the last decade. For some reason, around the age of eleven I stopped caring. And now I've started again, I deeply regret large parts of the last ten years.
The other downside to never having to worry about consequences before is that now I do, and that terrifies me. I don't know how to deal with confrontation and being in the wrong, and having to own up to that. As stated in the last post, my response in the past has been to ignore it. To give up or to run away. I've become known as a quitter, and I hate that. But I've only got myself to blame.
So how does this get back to dealing with anxiety and depression? Simple.
By taking responsibility of my own actions and accepting consequences for what they are, I can help to break the cycles and just make life a lot easier for myself.
For example, a few weeks ago I let anxiety get the better of me, and I switched my phone to silent for two or three days and ignored every phone call I received.
Yup, it was not a good idea. Ignoring problems/people does not make them go away. It only makes it harder to deal with afterwards. After all, not only are you then worrying about the initial problem, you're also worrying about the fact that you're ignoring them. It all adds up, it's not mature, professional or healthy. It's just stupid.
So I'm trying to change my actions. This morning I received an email that made me anxious (because so many things do, I can't really help it). In the past I would have left it for a few hours, until the stress built up so much that I had to reply or have a nervous breakdown. Today I replied straight away. I'm still a little anxious about it, but I know that there are no actions I can take regarding it now. It's out of my hands. I have done all the actions I can do, so the ball is in their court. [I realise I'm making this email seem like a big deal. It really wasn't, I'm just trying to explain my thinking.] I did all I could, and as redundant as it seems to say it, that's all I can do. For once, I did my best.
So I decided that I'm going to try making a list of all the things that are weights on my shoulders, either due to things I did in the past (or didn't do, as the case may be) which have consequences currently arising, or things which aren't of my making, but if I do not take action and responsibility, the consequences most certainly will be.
And whilst the idea of listing my weights so I can learn how to lighten my load is primarily to help myself deal with stress and anxiety, the fact that I suffer from anxiety is going to be one of the items on the list. It's nothing that's going to go away by itself. Now that I'm aware of it, I have to remain aware of it, and do what I can to reduce it's grip on me. It may not be my fault that it affects me, but it will be my fault if I don't deal with it.
This post became a lot more ramble-y and different than I originally intended. I was going to just list the weights and talk about the best way to ease them, but I think that might have to be a private endeavour before I make it public. I'll be delving into the depths of my mind that normally remain untouched. Who knows what will surface?
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