This is what it feels like

Song of the day: None - Catching up on some Thinking Allowed podcasts. Changed half-way through writing this article to Breezeblocks - alt-J.
Currently reading: Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance - Robert Pirsig

The other day I read a post by Gala Darling saying that one should write more, so here I am again. I returned home from holiday yesterday and in that strange pre-work limbo that has me feeling unsettled. Whilst I got up early this morning and started off fairly productively - healthy leisurely breakfast, couple of loads of laundry etc, I've just not been able to settle into anything in particular and yet still feel the need to do something useful. It's now nearly 5pm and very little has been achieved. So why not write?

I think one of the main problems is that I've gone from two weeks staying in a small caravan with my family - where all four of us crammed into one small space could get pretty loud at times and privacy or a sense of one's own space and there was always something to do, if you couldn't think of something yourself then someone else would give you a job - to being by myself in a quiet fairly large house with no real sense of purpose. Whilst I needed to do a couple of household jobs, this is my last day 'off' before I go back to work. When on holiday abroad you feel the time off much more delineated. Ever aware that you've got a limited time in that location, removed from everything familiar, it's much easier to relax into a book, or a walk, or a swim, or whatever it is you want to do. Now that I'm back, and yet still not back into my routine, I just don't know what I want to use my time to do. It also doesn't help that the anticipation of going back to work tomorrow has already kicked in and my body won't let me relax fully "just in case". Just in case I forget and miss my train? In case I forget to pack? Who knows?

At least I've made some tasty meals.

 Tasty meal #1. Cabbage and carrot in a creamy peanut sauce w/ king prawns in lime and coriander.

It's just another case of annoying anxiety that I'm learning to deal with but would still like to improve a lot on. As mentioned in the last post, I'm hoping making yoga and meditation more routine will help, but there's something else I think could help immensely.

Doing things that scare me and that I get really anxious about.

I can think of two immediate examples of this. The first was the first time I attended an acting class a couple of years ago. I signed up for it because the thought of it terrified me. I mean I literally felt paralysed with fear and the thought of going. But I also realised that this was ridiculous - it was a class for beginners and would mostly just be little games. Why was I getting worried about a situation where no one would know each other and we were also not expected to have any knowledge of the subject? In the end I went, and it did me so much good that I'm really annoyed that I haven't been able to go to a class in nearly a year now.

The second example is a bit more recent. Last week the sun actually shined and my family and I took advantage of the fact we were right by a lake. Canoeing! Or, kayaking! We weren't exactly sure which it was, and the two boats we took out were different so that wasn't exactly helpful. Spending three hours floating around the lake over two days was lovely. It was incredibly peaceful, it was fairly meditative, it was a good way to talk to first my mum and then my sister, and it was also good exercise. I loved it, and I really wish it hadn't rained as much in the first week because I would have gone out so many more times. I would actually love to do a canoe/kayak holiday now.

But when the idea was first suggested, I felt uneasy about it. The feeling grew the closer we got to actually walking down to the lake, until I was really very anxious about it. I couldn't work out why - we would be wearing lifejackets in case we fell in, but that was unlikely as it was a very still, small lake on a day with no breeze. I also know how to swim, and am strong enough at it to swim a fair distance or at least keep myself afloat. It would just be my family and no one else would be watching. Why then, did the thought terrify me to the point where I sort of didn't want to do it?

Tasty meal #2 - stuffed mushrooms w/ tenderstem broccoli, butternut squash and courgette and a nice mug of tea.

In the last few years I've got used to not putting myself out there. I don't try new things. I don't socialise with new people. I've got used to sticking to my routines, as much as I have any. When talking about what I like to do of an evening, I'm one of those people who say "Oh I much prefer a quiet night in". I do like a quiet night in. But you know what? I really like going out to a bar and dancing all night amidst many a shot of tequila - something I admittedly only do once in a blue moon as my immediate social circle just does not do this. And that's another problem - I only have an immediate social circle and most of them don't live close by. Because of this, I rarely meet new people and I rarely try new activities.

Whilst this might seem useful to someone suffering from anxiety - oh look, there's nothing scary and new to try, everything's always fine - the fact that I don't try anything new and that new now equals 'scary' is not useful at all! I used to be adventurous. I've always loved to travel and wanted to do more of it. But now the thought of it is starting to feel a bit nerve-wracking. I get this a lot - anxiety about things that stops me doing what I know I would probably enjoy. And it's because I don't do those things in the first place that this happens! It's a vicious cycle.

But at least I know it's there. I know this is a problem, and one that I have to counteract.

I realise this entry, yet again, reads as fairly dear diary-ish. But it's something I feel has relevance to a lot of people. I had a conversation with my sister the other day about what she wants to do now that she's graduated. She said that she would like to live in Cambridge, and when asked why answered that it would just be a nice place to live since it's got all the things she likes to do, like going for walks along the river, reading a book on the banks and it's really quiet and pretty. There's nothing wrong with these things. But she's 20 and these are all she's known for the last 3 years, and yet there's no immediate burning desire to go out and explore the world (I've been trying to get her to go and look after baby lion cubs in Africa for a month or so). I know the way I view life is not the same way everyone does, so if she's happy with those things that's great for her, but it just points to the way that people get stuck in their routines.

And I'm definitely stuck in mine.

View from my window right now: there's a storm brewing.

It's the same with socialising for me - if I haven't spoken to my friends in a while I get used to it and don't feel like reaching out to them. Once I have I remember how much I need to stay in contact with them all over again and it's much easier a second time. But that initial one... routines, man, they're both good for me but deadly.

I suppose the very roundabout point of this post is that I realised I can't live up to the saying "some people die at 25 but aren't buried until 75". I have dreams and goals and plans and I absolutely love life and all that it has to offer. I just don't take it up on it, and then get scared to try.

So one of my goals for the next few months/year is to try. I want to go to another acting class or another creative-type class. I want to be a better friend and stay in touch properly. I'd like to try gliding again, or rowing, I'd like to try surfing (although when and where are another issue). I'd like to go to events that sound interesting and are open to the general public, even if I don't know anyone else going - I could meet people! I want to... I don't even know what I want to do. Any suggestions? I want to live. I want someone to ask me what I enjoy doing and have an interesting answer. I don't want to become stagnant.

And one day I'd like my idols to become my colleagues.

In a follow-up from Wednesday, whilst I've not done it everyday I have done a lot more yoga this week and checked my finances today. Not as good as I'd hoped, not as bad as I'd feared. If my expenses come in this week it'll look even better next weekend! It had been three months since I'd last properly looked at them according to moneydashboard, and instantly I noticed that I spend a fair amount each month on takeaways. That's going to stop. I also need to actually eat breakfast in the hotel in which it's already paid for rather than waiting until I get to the office to eat. That'll save me a fair bit.

On the whole though, not too bad. But I've been doing the things I 'want to work on' for all of four days. It'll take more than this for me to count it as a proper success.

The devil’s in the details and he’s taking his toll

Song of the day: Dance in the Graveyards - Delta Rae 
Currently reading: A Feast for Crows - George R. R. Martin

June. It's June. Where on earth has all that time gone?

This afternoon that wonderful companion of ours called anxiety reared its ugly little head and I was lucky to experience paralysing fear for a short while. Because what else would we want to do on a beautiful Sunday afternoon, hey? This is only read as diary-ish for a very short time before I get to my point for today.

This weekend a Teen Wolf convention is happening in Austria. I saw pictures of it on tumblr. There's people I admire there, everyone looks like they're having a wonderful time and it's extremely sunny. They're also, you know, in Austria. I initially became aware of all this around 10:30 yesterday morning, when I was in London, watching torrential rain pour outside knowing I had to go and walk in it soon to get to a physiotherapy appointment to find out why I've been in agonising pain all week. So you know, I wasn't overly happy, and I had a nice little moan about how I wish I was there rather than here, but then I moved on. I went to physio, discovered I haven't done anything particularly serious, and watched a fair bit of TV in the afternoon. Tidied my room, skyped both Harriet and J, practised the viola and generally had an ok day. I mean, I was in pain, I couldn't do much more than take it easy.

Today I'm thankfully in a lot less pain. I woke up late. I had my viola lesson at 12:30. I had a late lunch. And I've been on tumblr, unavoidably seeing pictures of the convention because whilst I follow over 300 blogs of a variety of different subjects, that seems to be all anyone currently online is talking about. I realised that it was 3pm. It's a lovely day outside, and I was inside doing absolutely nothing. And that's when the fear hit.

Because I want to be like this:

But I don't know where to start.

Living in London, and particularly in an area where I'm high up enough to see all of central London from my bedroom window, even as far as the other side of the river, I'm constantly aware that the world is at my fingertips. Possibilities are endless. I can do whatever I want, all I need to do is reach out and grasp it. I'm a very blessed person - I'm white, middle-class, living in a first-world country, intelligent, financially stable, went to a good university and got a good degree, get on extremely well with my family and haven't had anything particularly bad happen to me other than occasional brushes with anxiety and depression. The only way I would be even luckier regarding doing what I want in the world is if I were male. And yet, despite knowing the world is mine for the taking, I feel paralysed, like my arms are stuck to my sides.

In part, there's too much choice. I know that I'm not doing what I want to be doing just at the moment. I have ideas about what I would like to do, and even some notions on what I can start to do in order to get there. But then I feel that if I'm spending my time doing x, I'm not doing y or z. So if I decide to spend a couple of hours reading a book - which I really need to do more of - then that's wasting time that I could be writing, or going and finding people to socialise with, or attending an acting class, or doing exercise etc. In the end, I don't do anything. I have similar problems with choice when deciding what to watch or what to eat. In the end I just don't make a decision and have wasted several hours of my day.

Then there's the lack of feeling connected. When I'm online looking at things related to people I admire and wish I could be like/ work with, it's very easy to feel connected to your dreams. You're learning loads of information about your ideal hobbies, careers, people you'd like to meet one day. But this feeling is a lie. You're not getting any closer to being a successful actor by looking up pictures of your favourite actors all day. You're not getting any closer to being a published author by researching various publishing houses that you're going to send your book to 'when it's written'. Looking at fitspiration won't make you any fitter.

You have to switch the internet off and do something. And it's not a good feeling. For me personally, when I turn the internet off, I no longer feel connected to the wider world of people in film, theatre and television, and I feel further away than ever from my goals. But that's not the case. If I used the time I spend daydreaming online actually doing something constructive towards my goals, I'd be so much closer. In fact, I've wasted so much time over the last few years that I could probably have written several novels, learnt a few languages and mastered a couple of instruments. Saying "omg Chris Colfer has published three novels, written and starred in his own movie and written an episode of Glee on top of performing in all the episodes and doing press etc and he's only 23" won't do anything other than make you feel bad. Yes, it shows that some people are successful when they're your age. But a) they're anomalies, and b) they're not spending all their time going "it's not fair so-and-so is my age and yet they're so much more productive than me". It is fair. They're actually working their asses off for what they want. What are you doing? Absolutely nothing, other than thinking you should get on with something.

Yeah, I'm going to say no to that.

I was always a very confident child when I was a lot younger, who believed that she could do whatever she put her mind to. But I wasn't very driven. I didn't need to be. I just stumbled into opportunities, and I was fortunate enough to find a lot of things easy. I didn't need to revise for tests, I didn't need to work hard to make people like me, I didn't get stage fright before performing (in fact I loved the attention and sought it out), I didn't really need to practice any of the instruments I tried to play. But now I do.

Buried somewhere deep, deep down inside me lives that confident child. She's just extremely hidden. Or, clutching to her last breaths, I don't know. But I still believe that I can do whatever I want to if I just put my mind to it. And when I dream about my goals, I dream that I'm successful. Not necessarily famous, but well known and respected by those I know and respect in the same field. I'm also constantly told that most people don't ever achieve the levels of success that I dream about. I know this, and I also know that I won't get anywhere near that if I don't even try, but there's the difficulty. I get scared to try, because I don't want to fail. I've not really ever failed before - I've always landed on my feet. I've also never had to really rely on being driven and working hard to do anything before. I haven't flexed those muscles in a very long time. I don't know that they won't fail me.

But unless I move on from worrying about this all the time, I will definitely fail me.

I need to move on with my life. I need to stop letting this fear of failure paralyse me. Easier said than done, but acknowledging it is at least a step in the right direction. I need to start doing. And I also need to think about what it is I want to do and why I want to do it, because achieving my goals might not even be the way to achieve what I want.

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Things I'm improving on: Keeping my room tidy.
Things I've still got a long way to go with: Updating this blog.

Learning discomfort

Song of the day: Bottom of the River - Delta Rae
What I'm reading: Bad Pharma - Ben Goldacre

I actually had an 'ah hah!' moment whilst doing yoga the other day. For the first time ever, I discovered that a thought I had whilst reflecting on what I was doing in that current moment (trying to relax into pigeon pose for a full minute) actually applied to all areas of my life.

I was uncomfortable. And I needed to learn discomfort.

Yes Harvey, thank you for your input.

I had read somewhere at some point that hip openers in yoga were important because the hips and pelvis hold lots of stress and negative emotions such as sadness, guilt and fear. I didn't hold anything by this, because how on earth can any particular part of our body 'hold' emotions, which are all created by the brain. It was new-age-y nonsense, and I was quick to put it out of my mind. Until I was actually doing hip opening poses, and getting really emotional. I wouldn't be able to place the particular emotion(s), but they were definitely negative, and they were definitely uncomfortable.

My instinctive response was to stop what I was doing immediately. But before I did, I re-assessed my situation. Yes, I was uncomfortable. But I wasn't actually in any pain. My hips were feeling a slight stretch, but it was the feeling in my chest that was the strongest, and I could already place that as emotional not physical. So there was no real benefit of me stopping. Sure I'd be more comfortable, and I'd no longer feel awful, but I was doing yoga in the first place to try and get fitter and more flexible (and to relieve stress and anxiety). You're not going to get flexible by not actually doing the poses. So I held it for the allotted time, and then I moved on. And I was fine. But for those two minutes, I was very uncomfortable, and I hated feeling that way.

I realised that whilst I didn't stop what I was doing that time, I usually do, and that's a big problem. I'm no longer very fit, and I'd like to improve my cardiovascular health. But the rare occasions I do work up to the point where I'm really hot, sweating and breathing heavily, I stop what I'm doing. I don't like that feeling, I'm scared of that feeling even, and so I don't let myself stay in that state. As a result, I haven't actually improved my ability to do anything that requires any physical effort. I mean, you hear people talk about people throwing up after an intense exercise session. I don't ever let myself get anywhere near that.

Side note: I was watching an early episode of The Biggest Loser the other day, and one of the contestants was crying and said that she's really scared of the feeling of the intense workouts. I am with her 100% there. The trainer said to her something along the lines of it won't kill you, you push through it and it'll never feel this bad ever again (because even if you have a super-intense session, you'll know that you can deal with it). I know this, but I've yet to learn it.

This obviously applies directly to physical health/fitness, but I find that I have the same problem in everything else I do in life. Confrontation getting too uncomfortable? Find a way to stop it or run away (usually the latter). As I mentioned in a previous post, not done something I was supposed to do? Make an excuse and/or run away so I don't have to face the discomfort of the consequences of my actions. Have to put a bit of effort into learning a new skill? Give up. Anything that I feel out of my depth in, I tend to give up on, because I don't like that feeling at all.

But I can't do that any more.

Missing a day or two of work because you're uncomfortable and tired when you've got your student loan to fall back on is immature, irresponsible, but at the end of the day not that big a deal. Missing a day of work when you need to pay your rent, bills and buy food and don't want to get fired is out of the question. I start my new job on the 17th of this month, the first full-time job I'll have ever had, and I have been nearly paralysed by fear at the thought of the discomfort today. I'm used to being at university, where yeah I may need to do 10 weeks work here, but then I'll have four months off, woo hoo! I'm now going to have to go to work every. single. day. With no day off in sight unless I pre-book it far in advance.

Yay?

I know that's not a big deal to most people. But I've got used to myself being a quitter, and I don't want to be one anymore. I was on Skype to my mother earlier, and we were talking my potential and how I've not really lived up to it in the past (my words, she was actually fairly complementary about what I've achieved so far). I pointed out that I know I haven't lived up to my potential in the past, and she said how it's easy to blame other things, but now I've got to take responsibility for my actions. I was quick to point out to her that I take full responsibility for not getting enough done in my past. I am very aware that I am the problem. I don't want to be the problem anymore. This is going to be difficult.

And so I need to learn discomfort.

This applies to other things rather than just work. I'm going to become the lead tenant in our house, so I'm going from not being responsible ever for any bills, to being responsible for the upkeep and running of our house and the three people living in it. I'm going to be meeting a lot of new people, and socialising with new people is another area I feel out of my depth. I'm going to a networking event on Thursday, and I have no idea what I'm doing. My previous response would be to just not go.

But learning discomfort. I need to learn that I can do these things, be uncomfortable for a short while, and then things will get better. There's a Sex Nerd Sandra episode that discusses mindfulness, which might be something to consider here. One piece of advice given is to practice awareness without judgement. So acknowledge that in this moment you feel uncomfortable, but try not to over-think it. Don't assume it's going to last, don't blame something that you did in the past, don't start putting yourself down because you're uncomfortable, just acknowledge this is how you feel and move on. Everyone says you only learn by making mistakes, so if you're paralysed at the idea of making mistakes you're never going to learn.

And the whole point of this blog and this endeavour is that I want to learn. So I have to make mistakes. I have to do the things I don't really like doing. Because after a while they won't seem like a big deal anymore.

I used to never make my bed. Now I do it without thinking about it.
I think that's quite good metaphor for life in general.

Bam.

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Things I'm improving on: Oversleeping less.
Things I've still got a long way to go with: Finances. Not overspending. God, do I have a long way to go when it comes to this.

Weights on my shoulders [Part 2]

Song of the day: Icarus - Bastille

So where were we?

Consequences. Things have consequences. And we have to face them.

Yes, we do.

On the outside, my past actions of not working very hard at university and managing to get out of any prior consequences seem to have not impacted on my life in any way. After all, I didn't get into any trouble, I got good grades, went to a good university, and today I'm none the worse for wear.

I didn't take responsibility for my past actions. I blamed other circumstances. I wasn't feeling well. I just couldn't do it. Something came up. I never faced the truth. I was lazy. I didn't want to do it. I couldn't be bothered. I didn't work as hard as I could have. But now I have, I'm faced with thoughts of me not being or doing good enough. It doesn't matter if everyone else is proud of what I achieved, I know I could have done better. And that applies to most things in the last decade. For some reason, around the age of eleven I stopped caring. And now I've started again, I deeply regret large parts of the last ten years.

The other downside to never having to worry about consequences before is that now I do, and that terrifies me. I don't know how to deal with confrontation and being in the wrong, and having to own up to that. As stated in the last post, my response in the past has been to ignore it. To give up or to run away. I've become known as a quitter, and I hate that. But I've only got myself to blame.

So how does this get back to dealing with anxiety and depression? Simple.

By taking responsibility of my own actions and accepting consequences for what they are, I can help to break the cycles and just make life a lot easier for myself.

For example, a few weeks ago I let anxiety get the better of me, and I switched my phone to silent for two or three days and ignored every phone call I received.

Yup, it was not a good idea. Ignoring problems/people does not make them go away. It only makes it harder to deal with afterwards. After all, not only are you then worrying about the initial problem, you're also worrying about the fact that you're ignoring them. It all adds up, it's not mature, professional or healthy. It's just stupid.

So I'm trying to change my actions. This morning I received an email that made me anxious (because so many things do, I can't really help it). In the past I would have left it for a few hours, until the stress built up so much that I had to reply or have a nervous breakdown. Today I replied straight away. I'm still a little anxious about it, but I know that there are no actions I can take regarding it now. It's out of my hands. I have done all the actions I can do, so the ball is in their court. [I realise I'm making this email seem like a big deal. It really wasn't, I'm just trying to explain my thinking.] I did all I could, and as redundant as it seems to say it, that's all I can do. For once, I did my best.

So I decided that I'm going to try making a list of all the things that are weights on my shoulders, either due to things I did in the past (or didn't do, as the case may be) which have consequences currently arising, or things which aren't of my making, but if I do not take action and responsibility, the consequences most certainly will be.

And whilst the idea of listing my weights so I can learn how to lighten my load is primarily to help myself deal with stress and anxiety, the fact that I suffer from anxiety is going to be one of the items on the list. It's nothing that's going to go away by itself. Now that I'm aware of it, I have to remain aware of it, and do what I can to reduce it's grip on me. It may not be my fault that it affects me, but it will be my fault if I don't deal with it.

This post became a lot more ramble-y and different than I originally intended. I was going to just list the weights and talk about the best way to ease them, but I think that might have to be a private endeavour before I make it public. I'll be delving into the depths of my mind that normally remain untouched. Who knows what will surface?

Weights on my shoulders [Part 1]

It's very hard, on days like today, to talk myself into doing something. There's no particular 'something' that I should be doing, it's just a generic idea of productivity. I feel bad, so I don't want to do anything, so I don't do anything, so I feel worse. It's a horrible cycle that occurs often when one is suffering from depression [mild], and there's a similar cycle that crops up with anxiety [more severe]. Only in that case, you put off doing a task that is making you anxious, which therefore makes you even more anxious about it.

You said it, Stiles.

The most important thing is to be aware of the cycle. I'd been vaguely aware of it for some time, but it was really drilled home for me during my sessions of CBT [cognitive behavioural therapy]. It became clear that the best way to feel a bit better is to get something done. That way you can't sit around berating yourself for being lazy and unproductive, because look, you're not! Which is why I finally sat down today to write this blog post. I got up at half eight this morning, earlier than I have done in a while, and proceeded to do absolutely nothing for several hours. That's not going to make anyone feel good, let alone someone who started the day feeling down for no reason anyway.

So is there a point to this post, besides forcing myself to do something other than sit around with a weight in my chest?

Why yes, yes there is.

I've been thinking a lot recently about taking responsibility for myself. [Side note, awesome music just appeared: Sky Battle from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I was not expecting such dramatic music to occur at this moment.] It's partly due to having this break before I start the next big chapter of my life (i.e. starting work), but it's been building for some time.

In the past, my approach to bad things in life was a little like this:

It didn't matter what it was. Didn't do some homework? I could do it during the break it was due after, it was easy enough. If that didn't work, well, the teachers liked me, they'd accept whatever excuse I would come up with. Innocent-eyed and a good student, if I ever did do anything wrong I got away with it easily enough. Didn't revise for GCSEs? No problem, I got mostly A*s anyway. Don't revise enough for A-levels and actually get worse results? Drink too much, then blame your being sick on the chocolate you ate beforehand (which I'm still convinced played a part), and get out of trouble due to this being not-normal behaviour and you're so sorry and you'll never do it again. I never had to face consequences, so I could ignore the problems.

Then we get to university, when I'm more independent. Again, consequences don't seem to happen for when I don't do the right thing. I'm good at cramming and writing last-minute essays, which get me good grades even if they're not as good as I could do. So I ignored the fact that I wasn't working hard enough. I ignored the fact that I was having mental health issues until my flatmate coerced me into addressing them with a professional rather than just saying "oh I should probably speak to someone, this can't be completely normal, but ignore me, I'm fine". Once I stopped getting therapy, I just ignored the problem again instead of setting up a new support system. I've still not told my family the full extent (so if they happen across this, surprise! I'm fine, do we really have to have a conversation about this? I mean, we probably do, I just don't want to), and look, I'm trying to ignore a problem again! Then once university is over and I have problems with money and rent and finding a place to live and everything else that comes with being 85% independent, well... ooh look, a squirrel!

But you know what? These things did have consequences. They were just internal, and I ignored them until now.

Because now, I'm trying to pass as a 98%-independent adult, and I can't use my situation or personality or luck or anything to smooth over anything that goes wrong due to me messing up.

Accurate pictorial representation of the world.

The world doesn't work like that. It doesn't care about us as individuals. We have to care about us as individuals. So that's what I'm trying to do.

This post is getting too long. I'm going to split it. Part two can be found here.