This is what it feels like

Song of the day: None - Catching up on some Thinking Allowed podcasts. Changed half-way through writing this article to Breezeblocks - alt-J.
Currently reading: Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance - Robert Pirsig

The other day I read a post by Gala Darling saying that one should write more, so here I am again. I returned home from holiday yesterday and in that strange pre-work limbo that has me feeling unsettled. Whilst I got up early this morning and started off fairly productively - healthy leisurely breakfast, couple of loads of laundry etc, I've just not been able to settle into anything in particular and yet still feel the need to do something useful. It's now nearly 5pm and very little has been achieved. So why not write?

I think one of the main problems is that I've gone from two weeks staying in a small caravan with my family - where all four of us crammed into one small space could get pretty loud at times and privacy or a sense of one's own space and there was always something to do, if you couldn't think of something yourself then someone else would give you a job - to being by myself in a quiet fairly large house with no real sense of purpose. Whilst I needed to do a couple of household jobs, this is my last day 'off' before I go back to work. When on holiday abroad you feel the time off much more delineated. Ever aware that you've got a limited time in that location, removed from everything familiar, it's much easier to relax into a book, or a walk, or a swim, or whatever it is you want to do. Now that I'm back, and yet still not back into my routine, I just don't know what I want to use my time to do. It also doesn't help that the anticipation of going back to work tomorrow has already kicked in and my body won't let me relax fully "just in case". Just in case I forget and miss my train? In case I forget to pack? Who knows?

At least I've made some tasty meals.

 Tasty meal #1. Cabbage and carrot in a creamy peanut sauce w/ king prawns in lime and coriander.

It's just another case of annoying anxiety that I'm learning to deal with but would still like to improve a lot on. As mentioned in the last post, I'm hoping making yoga and meditation more routine will help, but there's something else I think could help immensely.

Doing things that scare me and that I get really anxious about.

I can think of two immediate examples of this. The first was the first time I attended an acting class a couple of years ago. I signed up for it because the thought of it terrified me. I mean I literally felt paralysed with fear and the thought of going. But I also realised that this was ridiculous - it was a class for beginners and would mostly just be little games. Why was I getting worried about a situation where no one would know each other and we were also not expected to have any knowledge of the subject? In the end I went, and it did me so much good that I'm really annoyed that I haven't been able to go to a class in nearly a year now.

The second example is a bit more recent. Last week the sun actually shined and my family and I took advantage of the fact we were right by a lake. Canoeing! Or, kayaking! We weren't exactly sure which it was, and the two boats we took out were different so that wasn't exactly helpful. Spending three hours floating around the lake over two days was lovely. It was incredibly peaceful, it was fairly meditative, it was a good way to talk to first my mum and then my sister, and it was also good exercise. I loved it, and I really wish it hadn't rained as much in the first week because I would have gone out so many more times. I would actually love to do a canoe/kayak holiday now.

But when the idea was first suggested, I felt uneasy about it. The feeling grew the closer we got to actually walking down to the lake, until I was really very anxious about it. I couldn't work out why - we would be wearing lifejackets in case we fell in, but that was unlikely as it was a very still, small lake on a day with no breeze. I also know how to swim, and am strong enough at it to swim a fair distance or at least keep myself afloat. It would just be my family and no one else would be watching. Why then, did the thought terrify me to the point where I sort of didn't want to do it?

Tasty meal #2 - stuffed mushrooms w/ tenderstem broccoli, butternut squash and courgette and a nice mug of tea.

In the last few years I've got used to not putting myself out there. I don't try new things. I don't socialise with new people. I've got used to sticking to my routines, as much as I have any. When talking about what I like to do of an evening, I'm one of those people who say "Oh I much prefer a quiet night in". I do like a quiet night in. But you know what? I really like going out to a bar and dancing all night amidst many a shot of tequila - something I admittedly only do once in a blue moon as my immediate social circle just does not do this. And that's another problem - I only have an immediate social circle and most of them don't live close by. Because of this, I rarely meet new people and I rarely try new activities.

Whilst this might seem useful to someone suffering from anxiety - oh look, there's nothing scary and new to try, everything's always fine - the fact that I don't try anything new and that new now equals 'scary' is not useful at all! I used to be adventurous. I've always loved to travel and wanted to do more of it. But now the thought of it is starting to feel a bit nerve-wracking. I get this a lot - anxiety about things that stops me doing what I know I would probably enjoy. And it's because I don't do those things in the first place that this happens! It's a vicious cycle.

But at least I know it's there. I know this is a problem, and one that I have to counteract.

I realise this entry, yet again, reads as fairly dear diary-ish. But it's something I feel has relevance to a lot of people. I had a conversation with my sister the other day about what she wants to do now that she's graduated. She said that she would like to live in Cambridge, and when asked why answered that it would just be a nice place to live since it's got all the things she likes to do, like going for walks along the river, reading a book on the banks and it's really quiet and pretty. There's nothing wrong with these things. But she's 20 and these are all she's known for the last 3 years, and yet there's no immediate burning desire to go out and explore the world (I've been trying to get her to go and look after baby lion cubs in Africa for a month or so). I know the way I view life is not the same way everyone does, so if she's happy with those things that's great for her, but it just points to the way that people get stuck in their routines.

And I'm definitely stuck in mine.

View from my window right now: there's a storm brewing.

It's the same with socialising for me - if I haven't spoken to my friends in a while I get used to it and don't feel like reaching out to them. Once I have I remember how much I need to stay in contact with them all over again and it's much easier a second time. But that initial one... routines, man, they're both good for me but deadly.

I suppose the very roundabout point of this post is that I realised I can't live up to the saying "some people die at 25 but aren't buried until 75". I have dreams and goals and plans and I absolutely love life and all that it has to offer. I just don't take it up on it, and then get scared to try.

So one of my goals for the next few months/year is to try. I want to go to another acting class or another creative-type class. I want to be a better friend and stay in touch properly. I'd like to try gliding again, or rowing, I'd like to try surfing (although when and where are another issue). I'd like to go to events that sound interesting and are open to the general public, even if I don't know anyone else going - I could meet people! I want to... I don't even know what I want to do. Any suggestions? I want to live. I want someone to ask me what I enjoy doing and have an interesting answer. I don't want to become stagnant.

And one day I'd like my idols to become my colleagues.

In a follow-up from Wednesday, whilst I've not done it everyday I have done a lot more yoga this week and checked my finances today. Not as good as I'd hoped, not as bad as I'd feared. If my expenses come in this week it'll look even better next weekend! It had been three months since I'd last properly looked at them according to moneydashboard, and instantly I noticed that I spend a fair amount each month on takeaways. That's going to stop. I also need to actually eat breakfast in the hotel in which it's already paid for rather than waiting until I get to the office to eat. That'll save me a fair bit.

On the whole though, not too bad. But I've been doing the things I 'want to work on' for all of four days. It'll take more than this for me to count it as a proper success.

The devil’s in the details and he’s taking his toll

Song of the day: Dance in the Graveyards - Delta Rae 
Currently reading: A Feast for Crows - George R. R. Martin

June. It's June. Where on earth has all that time gone?

This afternoon that wonderful companion of ours called anxiety reared its ugly little head and I was lucky to experience paralysing fear for a short while. Because what else would we want to do on a beautiful Sunday afternoon, hey? This is only read as diary-ish for a very short time before I get to my point for today.

This weekend a Teen Wolf convention is happening in Austria. I saw pictures of it on tumblr. There's people I admire there, everyone looks like they're having a wonderful time and it's extremely sunny. They're also, you know, in Austria. I initially became aware of all this around 10:30 yesterday morning, when I was in London, watching torrential rain pour outside knowing I had to go and walk in it soon to get to a physiotherapy appointment to find out why I've been in agonising pain all week. So you know, I wasn't overly happy, and I had a nice little moan about how I wish I was there rather than here, but then I moved on. I went to physio, discovered I haven't done anything particularly serious, and watched a fair bit of TV in the afternoon. Tidied my room, skyped both Harriet and J, practised the viola and generally had an ok day. I mean, I was in pain, I couldn't do much more than take it easy.

Today I'm thankfully in a lot less pain. I woke up late. I had my viola lesson at 12:30. I had a late lunch. And I've been on tumblr, unavoidably seeing pictures of the convention because whilst I follow over 300 blogs of a variety of different subjects, that seems to be all anyone currently online is talking about. I realised that it was 3pm. It's a lovely day outside, and I was inside doing absolutely nothing. And that's when the fear hit.

Because I want to be like this:

But I don't know where to start.

Living in London, and particularly in an area where I'm high up enough to see all of central London from my bedroom window, even as far as the other side of the river, I'm constantly aware that the world is at my fingertips. Possibilities are endless. I can do whatever I want, all I need to do is reach out and grasp it. I'm a very blessed person - I'm white, middle-class, living in a first-world country, intelligent, financially stable, went to a good university and got a good degree, get on extremely well with my family and haven't had anything particularly bad happen to me other than occasional brushes with anxiety and depression. The only way I would be even luckier regarding doing what I want in the world is if I were male. And yet, despite knowing the world is mine for the taking, I feel paralysed, like my arms are stuck to my sides.

In part, there's too much choice. I know that I'm not doing what I want to be doing just at the moment. I have ideas about what I would like to do, and even some notions on what I can start to do in order to get there. But then I feel that if I'm spending my time doing x, I'm not doing y or z. So if I decide to spend a couple of hours reading a book - which I really need to do more of - then that's wasting time that I could be writing, or going and finding people to socialise with, or attending an acting class, or doing exercise etc. In the end, I don't do anything. I have similar problems with choice when deciding what to watch or what to eat. In the end I just don't make a decision and have wasted several hours of my day.

Then there's the lack of feeling connected. When I'm online looking at things related to people I admire and wish I could be like/ work with, it's very easy to feel connected to your dreams. You're learning loads of information about your ideal hobbies, careers, people you'd like to meet one day. But this feeling is a lie. You're not getting any closer to being a successful actor by looking up pictures of your favourite actors all day. You're not getting any closer to being a published author by researching various publishing houses that you're going to send your book to 'when it's written'. Looking at fitspiration won't make you any fitter.

You have to switch the internet off and do something. And it's not a good feeling. For me personally, when I turn the internet off, I no longer feel connected to the wider world of people in film, theatre and television, and I feel further away than ever from my goals. But that's not the case. If I used the time I spend daydreaming online actually doing something constructive towards my goals, I'd be so much closer. In fact, I've wasted so much time over the last few years that I could probably have written several novels, learnt a few languages and mastered a couple of instruments. Saying "omg Chris Colfer has published three novels, written and starred in his own movie and written an episode of Glee on top of performing in all the episodes and doing press etc and he's only 23" won't do anything other than make you feel bad. Yes, it shows that some people are successful when they're your age. But a) they're anomalies, and b) they're not spending all their time going "it's not fair so-and-so is my age and yet they're so much more productive than me". It is fair. They're actually working their asses off for what they want. What are you doing? Absolutely nothing, other than thinking you should get on with something.

Yeah, I'm going to say no to that.

I was always a very confident child when I was a lot younger, who believed that she could do whatever she put her mind to. But I wasn't very driven. I didn't need to be. I just stumbled into opportunities, and I was fortunate enough to find a lot of things easy. I didn't need to revise for tests, I didn't need to work hard to make people like me, I didn't get stage fright before performing (in fact I loved the attention and sought it out), I didn't really need to practice any of the instruments I tried to play. But now I do.

Buried somewhere deep, deep down inside me lives that confident child. She's just extremely hidden. Or, clutching to her last breaths, I don't know. But I still believe that I can do whatever I want to if I just put my mind to it. And when I dream about my goals, I dream that I'm successful. Not necessarily famous, but well known and respected by those I know and respect in the same field. I'm also constantly told that most people don't ever achieve the levels of success that I dream about. I know this, and I also know that I won't get anywhere near that if I don't even try, but there's the difficulty. I get scared to try, because I don't want to fail. I've not really ever failed before - I've always landed on my feet. I've also never had to really rely on being driven and working hard to do anything before. I haven't flexed those muscles in a very long time. I don't know that they won't fail me.

But unless I move on from worrying about this all the time, I will definitely fail me.

I need to move on with my life. I need to stop letting this fear of failure paralyse me. Easier said than done, but acknowledging it is at least a step in the right direction. I need to start doing. And I also need to think about what it is I want to do and why I want to do it, because achieving my goals might not even be the way to achieve what I want.

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Things I'm improving on: Keeping my room tidy.
Things I've still got a long way to go with: Updating this blog.