Learning discomfort

Song of the day: Bottom of the River - Delta Rae
What I'm reading: Bad Pharma - Ben Goldacre

I actually had an 'ah hah!' moment whilst doing yoga the other day. For the first time ever, I discovered that a thought I had whilst reflecting on what I was doing in that current moment (trying to relax into pigeon pose for a full minute) actually applied to all areas of my life.

I was uncomfortable. And I needed to learn discomfort.

Yes Harvey, thank you for your input.

I had read somewhere at some point that hip openers in yoga were important because the hips and pelvis hold lots of stress and negative emotions such as sadness, guilt and fear. I didn't hold anything by this, because how on earth can any particular part of our body 'hold' emotions, which are all created by the brain. It was new-age-y nonsense, and I was quick to put it out of my mind. Until I was actually doing hip opening poses, and getting really emotional. I wouldn't be able to place the particular emotion(s), but they were definitely negative, and they were definitely uncomfortable.

My instinctive response was to stop what I was doing immediately. But before I did, I re-assessed my situation. Yes, I was uncomfortable. But I wasn't actually in any pain. My hips were feeling a slight stretch, but it was the feeling in my chest that was the strongest, and I could already place that as emotional not physical. So there was no real benefit of me stopping. Sure I'd be more comfortable, and I'd no longer feel awful, but I was doing yoga in the first place to try and get fitter and more flexible (and to relieve stress and anxiety). You're not going to get flexible by not actually doing the poses. So I held it for the allotted time, and then I moved on. And I was fine. But for those two minutes, I was very uncomfortable, and I hated feeling that way.

I realised that whilst I didn't stop what I was doing that time, I usually do, and that's a big problem. I'm no longer very fit, and I'd like to improve my cardiovascular health. But the rare occasions I do work up to the point where I'm really hot, sweating and breathing heavily, I stop what I'm doing. I don't like that feeling, I'm scared of that feeling even, and so I don't let myself stay in that state. As a result, I haven't actually improved my ability to do anything that requires any physical effort. I mean, you hear people talk about people throwing up after an intense exercise session. I don't ever let myself get anywhere near that.

Side note: I was watching an early episode of The Biggest Loser the other day, and one of the contestants was crying and said that she's really scared of the feeling of the intense workouts. I am with her 100% there. The trainer said to her something along the lines of it won't kill you, you push through it and it'll never feel this bad ever again (because even if you have a super-intense session, you'll know that you can deal with it). I know this, but I've yet to learn it.

This obviously applies directly to physical health/fitness, but I find that I have the same problem in everything else I do in life. Confrontation getting too uncomfortable? Find a way to stop it or run away (usually the latter). As I mentioned in a previous post, not done something I was supposed to do? Make an excuse and/or run away so I don't have to face the discomfort of the consequences of my actions. Have to put a bit of effort into learning a new skill? Give up. Anything that I feel out of my depth in, I tend to give up on, because I don't like that feeling at all.

But I can't do that any more.

Missing a day or two of work because you're uncomfortable and tired when you've got your student loan to fall back on is immature, irresponsible, but at the end of the day not that big a deal. Missing a day of work when you need to pay your rent, bills and buy food and don't want to get fired is out of the question. I start my new job on the 17th of this month, the first full-time job I'll have ever had, and I have been nearly paralysed by fear at the thought of the discomfort today. I'm used to being at university, where yeah I may need to do 10 weeks work here, but then I'll have four months off, woo hoo! I'm now going to have to go to work every. single. day. With no day off in sight unless I pre-book it far in advance.

Yay?

I know that's not a big deal to most people. But I've got used to myself being a quitter, and I don't want to be one anymore. I was on Skype to my mother earlier, and we were talking my potential and how I've not really lived up to it in the past (my words, she was actually fairly complementary about what I've achieved so far). I pointed out that I know I haven't lived up to my potential in the past, and she said how it's easy to blame other things, but now I've got to take responsibility for my actions. I was quick to point out to her that I take full responsibility for not getting enough done in my past. I am very aware that I am the problem. I don't want to be the problem anymore. This is going to be difficult.

And so I need to learn discomfort.

This applies to other things rather than just work. I'm going to become the lead tenant in our house, so I'm going from not being responsible ever for any bills, to being responsible for the upkeep and running of our house and the three people living in it. I'm going to be meeting a lot of new people, and socialising with new people is another area I feel out of my depth. I'm going to a networking event on Thursday, and I have no idea what I'm doing. My previous response would be to just not go.

But learning discomfort. I need to learn that I can do these things, be uncomfortable for a short while, and then things will get better. There's a Sex Nerd Sandra episode that discusses mindfulness, which might be something to consider here. One piece of advice given is to practice awareness without judgement. So acknowledge that in this moment you feel uncomfortable, but try not to over-think it. Don't assume it's going to last, don't blame something that you did in the past, don't start putting yourself down because you're uncomfortable, just acknowledge this is how you feel and move on. Everyone says you only learn by making mistakes, so if you're paralysed at the idea of making mistakes you're never going to learn.

And the whole point of this blog and this endeavour is that I want to learn. So I have to make mistakes. I have to do the things I don't really like doing. Because after a while they won't seem like a big deal anymore.

I used to never make my bed. Now I do it without thinking about it.
I think that's quite good metaphor for life in general.

Bam.

-----

Things I'm improving on: Oversleeping less.
Things I've still got a long way to go with: Finances. Not overspending. God, do I have a long way to go when it comes to this.

Weights on my shoulders [Part 2]

Song of the day: Icarus - Bastille

So where were we?

Consequences. Things have consequences. And we have to face them.

Yes, we do.

On the outside, my past actions of not working very hard at university and managing to get out of any prior consequences seem to have not impacted on my life in any way. After all, I didn't get into any trouble, I got good grades, went to a good university, and today I'm none the worse for wear.

I didn't take responsibility for my past actions. I blamed other circumstances. I wasn't feeling well. I just couldn't do it. Something came up. I never faced the truth. I was lazy. I didn't want to do it. I couldn't be bothered. I didn't work as hard as I could have. But now I have, I'm faced with thoughts of me not being or doing good enough. It doesn't matter if everyone else is proud of what I achieved, I know I could have done better. And that applies to most things in the last decade. For some reason, around the age of eleven I stopped caring. And now I've started again, I deeply regret large parts of the last ten years.

The other downside to never having to worry about consequences before is that now I do, and that terrifies me. I don't know how to deal with confrontation and being in the wrong, and having to own up to that. As stated in the last post, my response in the past has been to ignore it. To give up or to run away. I've become known as a quitter, and I hate that. But I've only got myself to blame.

So how does this get back to dealing with anxiety and depression? Simple.

By taking responsibility of my own actions and accepting consequences for what they are, I can help to break the cycles and just make life a lot easier for myself.

For example, a few weeks ago I let anxiety get the better of me, and I switched my phone to silent for two or three days and ignored every phone call I received.

Yup, it was not a good idea. Ignoring problems/people does not make them go away. It only makes it harder to deal with afterwards. After all, not only are you then worrying about the initial problem, you're also worrying about the fact that you're ignoring them. It all adds up, it's not mature, professional or healthy. It's just stupid.

So I'm trying to change my actions. This morning I received an email that made me anxious (because so many things do, I can't really help it). In the past I would have left it for a few hours, until the stress built up so much that I had to reply or have a nervous breakdown. Today I replied straight away. I'm still a little anxious about it, but I know that there are no actions I can take regarding it now. It's out of my hands. I have done all the actions I can do, so the ball is in their court. [I realise I'm making this email seem like a big deal. It really wasn't, I'm just trying to explain my thinking.] I did all I could, and as redundant as it seems to say it, that's all I can do. For once, I did my best.

So I decided that I'm going to try making a list of all the things that are weights on my shoulders, either due to things I did in the past (or didn't do, as the case may be) which have consequences currently arising, or things which aren't of my making, but if I do not take action and responsibility, the consequences most certainly will be.

And whilst the idea of listing my weights so I can learn how to lighten my load is primarily to help myself deal with stress and anxiety, the fact that I suffer from anxiety is going to be one of the items on the list. It's nothing that's going to go away by itself. Now that I'm aware of it, I have to remain aware of it, and do what I can to reduce it's grip on me. It may not be my fault that it affects me, but it will be my fault if I don't deal with it.

This post became a lot more ramble-y and different than I originally intended. I was going to just list the weights and talk about the best way to ease them, but I think that might have to be a private endeavour before I make it public. I'll be delving into the depths of my mind that normally remain untouched. Who knows what will surface?

Weights on my shoulders [Part 1]

It's very hard, on days like today, to talk myself into doing something. There's no particular 'something' that I should be doing, it's just a generic idea of productivity. I feel bad, so I don't want to do anything, so I don't do anything, so I feel worse. It's a horrible cycle that occurs often when one is suffering from depression [mild], and there's a similar cycle that crops up with anxiety [more severe]. Only in that case, you put off doing a task that is making you anxious, which therefore makes you even more anxious about it.

You said it, Stiles.

The most important thing is to be aware of the cycle. I'd been vaguely aware of it for some time, but it was really drilled home for me during my sessions of CBT [cognitive behavioural therapy]. It became clear that the best way to feel a bit better is to get something done. That way you can't sit around berating yourself for being lazy and unproductive, because look, you're not! Which is why I finally sat down today to write this blog post. I got up at half eight this morning, earlier than I have done in a while, and proceeded to do absolutely nothing for several hours. That's not going to make anyone feel good, let alone someone who started the day feeling down for no reason anyway.

So is there a point to this post, besides forcing myself to do something other than sit around with a weight in my chest?

Why yes, yes there is.

I've been thinking a lot recently about taking responsibility for myself. [Side note, awesome music just appeared: Sky Battle from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I was not expecting such dramatic music to occur at this moment.] It's partly due to having this break before I start the next big chapter of my life (i.e. starting work), but it's been building for some time.

In the past, my approach to bad things in life was a little like this:

It didn't matter what it was. Didn't do some homework? I could do it during the break it was due after, it was easy enough. If that didn't work, well, the teachers liked me, they'd accept whatever excuse I would come up with. Innocent-eyed and a good student, if I ever did do anything wrong I got away with it easily enough. Didn't revise for GCSEs? No problem, I got mostly A*s anyway. Don't revise enough for A-levels and actually get worse results? Drink too much, then blame your being sick on the chocolate you ate beforehand (which I'm still convinced played a part), and get out of trouble due to this being not-normal behaviour and you're so sorry and you'll never do it again. I never had to face consequences, so I could ignore the problems.

Then we get to university, when I'm more independent. Again, consequences don't seem to happen for when I don't do the right thing. I'm good at cramming and writing last-minute essays, which get me good grades even if they're not as good as I could do. So I ignored the fact that I wasn't working hard enough. I ignored the fact that I was having mental health issues until my flatmate coerced me into addressing them with a professional rather than just saying "oh I should probably speak to someone, this can't be completely normal, but ignore me, I'm fine". Once I stopped getting therapy, I just ignored the problem again instead of setting up a new support system. I've still not told my family the full extent (so if they happen across this, surprise! I'm fine, do we really have to have a conversation about this? I mean, we probably do, I just don't want to), and look, I'm trying to ignore a problem again! Then once university is over and I have problems with money and rent and finding a place to live and everything else that comes with being 85% independent, well... ooh look, a squirrel!

But you know what? These things did have consequences. They were just internal, and I ignored them until now.

Because now, I'm trying to pass as a 98%-independent adult, and I can't use my situation or personality or luck or anything to smooth over anything that goes wrong due to me messing up.

Accurate pictorial representation of the world.

The world doesn't work like that. It doesn't care about us as individuals. We have to care about us as individuals. So that's what I'm trying to do.

This post is getting too long. I'm going to split it. Part two can be found here.