Pound the alarm

Currently reading: Good Omens - Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett

No song of the day today, as much as I'd like to be listening to something a little upbeat (such as our current title-influence). We're listening to a training course in basic Excel skills whilst we go about our other tasks and talk about ourselves in the plural for some unknown reason.

There hasn't been an update here in a long time for the simple reason that my new job is extremely immersing, and I haven't even properly started working yet! Four weeks of training were meant to culminate in my first role starting last Monday, but I've had the worst luck in the world and that was cancelled, as was the role I was assigned to following that mishap. But we seem to be back on track and I'll be starting my first actual role tomorrow, nearly a full six weeks after officially starting the job.

In some ways, the job being so immersive so far has been good. I've got to know quite a lot of people, I've barely had time to stop and think "what am I doing?", although that has cropped up a little over the last few days, and they provided me with some wonderful food. I was also able to spend two weeks in the US, which is always a nice bonus.

But it hasn't all been sunshine and daisies. Oh no. And the main problem we're going to discuss in this blog post is something we've talked about before.

How on earth do people keep their living spaces tidy!?

This is the situation:

Problem area uno

Problem area dos

And yes, I realise this has only got worse.

This is even worse than when I decided to sort my room out initially! To be honest, my room doesn't completely look like the above. These pictures were taken a couple of days ago. Some parts are better, some parts are worse. Problem area #3 hasn't changed. There are a lot of large empty cardboard boxes in the middle of the room.

I know I need to just grit my teeth and get on with putting things back in their place, but that's a large part of the problem. I'm not sure where a lot of things should go, there's no home for them. For example, my new stretchy bands to use during pilates, or the new pc accessories I have for work. There's just no storage space! I solved one storage problem a few weeks ago, as you can see in the first image, and bought somewhere to stack all my shoes. I think my next purchase needs to be an organiser to hang over my door, because the one hook I have is being seriously overloaded at the moment.

I have to learn how to stay on top of this. I need to sort out storage, buy some baskets maybe, or another bookshelf, and I need to get used to putting things away straight away. Otherwise I'm living in a mess, and it makes me feel unprofessional and lazy. It makes me feel less of a sort-of-adult, and it just doesn't feel like home! So once I've finished this bit of training, I'm going to get to work. The reason I decided to address this issue here is that I'll feel more accountable. I'll have to do it just so that I don't leave this as a lasting impression!

Regular service will resume shortly.

Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Song of the day: Power and Control - Marina and the Diamonds

Currently reading: Bad Pharma - Ben Goldacre

Look at me!

(Yes mum, this is what is known as a 'selfie')

Don't I look ready to network? As soon as I learned that there'd be a pre-starting networking event for work (drinks and a 'fun event', most likely pizza-making), I knew that one of the most important steps would be dressing appropriately. Prior to this last week, my clothes consisted mostly of tatty jeans and slightly moth-eaten t-shirts, plus the occasional sweater. I had a couple of dresses, but they were either from about five years ago or from when I was a stone and a half heavier. None of them screamed "I can actually be a professional".

Me, pretty much.

And I didn't feel like I could be either. I still mostly feel like an imposter (the number of times I've told my family and friends "I have no idea what I'm doing" is reaching the triple figures by now), but it's amazing how much better I feel now I've put the outfit together. I bought the dress from New Look last Tuesday, the blazer from Dorothy Perkins on Monday, and the rest of it today - tights from M&S, shoes from Aldo and jewellery from DP again.

I had recently read the adage "fake it until you make it" re: confidence, and was thoroughly planning on using that completely over the next few weeks, but now that I've put together an outfit I'm fairly proud of, I don't think I need to fake it quite so much. I feel more confident because I more look the part. I look like a young professional ready to network. So I don't think other people's first impressions of me are going to be disbelief, or accusations that I'm an imposter. Not that I seriously thought I'd get those, but I was definitely worried about not seeming like I belonged.

Because this isn't a job that I would ever have considered doing a few months ago, and I still feel a little (very) out of my depth. It's a Real Job, dare I even say - career, which most of my friends still don't have.

I definitely understand the idea of dressing for success now though. And I suppose it is a part of faking it until you make it - look the part, even if you don't feel the part. It does make me feel better.

Now all I need to do is worry about the actual networking part of the event. Last time I ever "networked", I was 17 and at an event with three people I already knew. I'm going in solo for this, plus it's actually important.

Wish me luck!

Learning discomfort

Song of the day: Bottom of the River - Delta Rae
What I'm reading: Bad Pharma - Ben Goldacre

I actually had an 'ah hah!' moment whilst doing yoga the other day. For the first time ever, I discovered that a thought I had whilst reflecting on what I was doing in that current moment (trying to relax into pigeon pose for a full minute) actually applied to all areas of my life.

I was uncomfortable. And I needed to learn discomfort.

Yes Harvey, thank you for your input.

I had read somewhere at some point that hip openers in yoga were important because the hips and pelvis hold lots of stress and negative emotions such as sadness, guilt and fear. I didn't hold anything by this, because how on earth can any particular part of our body 'hold' emotions, which are all created by the brain. It was new-age-y nonsense, and I was quick to put it out of my mind. Until I was actually doing hip opening poses, and getting really emotional. I wouldn't be able to place the particular emotion(s), but they were definitely negative, and they were definitely uncomfortable.

My instinctive response was to stop what I was doing immediately. But before I did, I re-assessed my situation. Yes, I was uncomfortable. But I wasn't actually in any pain. My hips were feeling a slight stretch, but it was the feeling in my chest that was the strongest, and I could already place that as emotional not physical. So there was no real benefit of me stopping. Sure I'd be more comfortable, and I'd no longer feel awful, but I was doing yoga in the first place to try and get fitter and more flexible (and to relieve stress and anxiety). You're not going to get flexible by not actually doing the poses. So I held it for the allotted time, and then I moved on. And I was fine. But for those two minutes, I was very uncomfortable, and I hated feeling that way.

I realised that whilst I didn't stop what I was doing that time, I usually do, and that's a big problem. I'm no longer very fit, and I'd like to improve my cardiovascular health. But the rare occasions I do work up to the point where I'm really hot, sweating and breathing heavily, I stop what I'm doing. I don't like that feeling, I'm scared of that feeling even, and so I don't let myself stay in that state. As a result, I haven't actually improved my ability to do anything that requires any physical effort. I mean, you hear people talk about people throwing up after an intense exercise session. I don't ever let myself get anywhere near that.

Side note: I was watching an early episode of The Biggest Loser the other day, and one of the contestants was crying and said that she's really scared of the feeling of the intense workouts. I am with her 100% there. The trainer said to her something along the lines of it won't kill you, you push through it and it'll never feel this bad ever again (because even if you have a super-intense session, you'll know that you can deal with it). I know this, but I've yet to learn it.

This obviously applies directly to physical health/fitness, but I find that I have the same problem in everything else I do in life. Confrontation getting too uncomfortable? Find a way to stop it or run away (usually the latter). As I mentioned in a previous post, not done something I was supposed to do? Make an excuse and/or run away so I don't have to face the discomfort of the consequences of my actions. Have to put a bit of effort into learning a new skill? Give up. Anything that I feel out of my depth in, I tend to give up on, because I don't like that feeling at all.

But I can't do that any more.

Missing a day or two of work because you're uncomfortable and tired when you've got your student loan to fall back on is immature, irresponsible, but at the end of the day not that big a deal. Missing a day of work when you need to pay your rent, bills and buy food and don't want to get fired is out of the question. I start my new job on the 17th of this month, the first full-time job I'll have ever had, and I have been nearly paralysed by fear at the thought of the discomfort today. I'm used to being at university, where yeah I may need to do 10 weeks work here, but then I'll have four months off, woo hoo! I'm now going to have to go to work every. single. day. With no day off in sight unless I pre-book it far in advance.

Yay?

I know that's not a big deal to most people. But I've got used to myself being a quitter, and I don't want to be one anymore. I was on Skype to my mother earlier, and we were talking my potential and how I've not really lived up to it in the past (my words, she was actually fairly complementary about what I've achieved so far). I pointed out that I know I haven't lived up to my potential in the past, and she said how it's easy to blame other things, but now I've got to take responsibility for my actions. I was quick to point out to her that I take full responsibility for not getting enough done in my past. I am very aware that I am the problem. I don't want to be the problem anymore. This is going to be difficult.

And so I need to learn discomfort.

This applies to other things rather than just work. I'm going to become the lead tenant in our house, so I'm going from not being responsible ever for any bills, to being responsible for the upkeep and running of our house and the three people living in it. I'm going to be meeting a lot of new people, and socialising with new people is another area I feel out of my depth. I'm going to a networking event on Thursday, and I have no idea what I'm doing. My previous response would be to just not go.

But learning discomfort. I need to learn that I can do these things, be uncomfortable for a short while, and then things will get better. There's a Sex Nerd Sandra episode that discusses mindfulness, which might be something to consider here. One piece of advice given is to practice awareness without judgement. So acknowledge that in this moment you feel uncomfortable, but try not to over-think it. Don't assume it's going to last, don't blame something that you did in the past, don't start putting yourself down because you're uncomfortable, just acknowledge this is how you feel and move on. Everyone says you only learn by making mistakes, so if you're paralysed at the idea of making mistakes you're never going to learn.

And the whole point of this blog and this endeavour is that I want to learn. So I have to make mistakes. I have to do the things I don't really like doing. Because after a while they won't seem like a big deal anymore.

I used to never make my bed. Now I do it without thinking about it.
I think that's quite good metaphor for life in general.

Bam.

-----

Things I'm improving on: Oversleeping less.
Things I've still got a long way to go with: Finances. Not overspending. God, do I have a long way to go when it comes to this.

Gratitude

I've been thinking a lot about gratitude over the last few days. Initially this was because the actor Tyler Hoechlin tweeted a link to this TED talk by David Steindl-Rast, the topic of which is "If you want to be happy, be grateful".

This resonated with me, particularly the parts about taking a moment to stop and observe the world around you so that you don't take everything for granted. It's not something I do very often, if at all.

Boy, did that change today!

I got home last night after a lovely meal with my guests from Minnesota to discover that my laundry, which was half dry when I left, was soaking wet and trapped in the washing machine. After trying many things, I finally thought that I'd got the washing machine fixed (I spent some time poring over the manual last night), but I wanted to stay awake until the cycle was finished (1am) to make sure. Alas, it was not fixed, and my clothes sat in a pool of very soapy water all night.

Having a fresh pair of eyes this morning did not shed any light on the problem, other than to firmly acknowledge that for some reason the washing machine is broke. That's fine, we can deal with that, but first I need to rinse my laundry and hang it up to dry.

My hands must have been in slightly-soapy water for about an hour and a quarter. They are now so very, very sore. The amount of soap that was in the clothes was phenomenal, the washing machine clearly hadn't rinsed it at all, so it took filling the sink with water at least six times per load of rinsing (there were two loads - one of my towels was too big to fit in with the rest). I have never been so glad that I was born in this day and age in my life!

I am so, so grateful that I was not born one hundred years or more ago, because there's no way I would have been high-born so I would likely have ended up a maid. I'm so grateful we have washing machines. I'm so grateful I don't have to hand-wash on a regular basis. I'm so grateful for dryers. I'm so grateful for repair people, and the fact that I have no doubt we'll get it fixed soon. I'm so grateful for hand-cream. I'm also really grateful that my mother taught me how to hand wash, because despite hating this morning at least I knew what to do with my soapy clothes!

And because I'm so grateful about all of these things, I'm not particularly unhappy or annoyed about the washing machine. Sure, it's a pain, but I got the things I wanted washing washed anyway, and besides, my gratitude for not normally having this problem far outweighs the annoyance of actually having the problem.

Gala Darling, in this article here, discusses the idea of starting a gratitude jar for the year. The idea is that you write down anything you're grateful for when it happens, put it in the jar, then on the 31st December you take them all out and read them. Alternatively you can read them whenever you're feeling unhappy or annoyed, since as in the talk above, it'll probably make you happy.

I think it's a wonderful idea. I'm not sure that I'll be doing it, but I definitely want to start being more grateful for things. So I thought I'd share two little things here that I've been grateful for recently.

This is part of my birthday present that my ex-flatmate and platonic life partner Harriet made for me. It's so pretty! No one has ever made me something like this before, and I'm aware of the time and effort that she put into it because I was half-talking to her on Facebook at the time. There's a bird cage for him as well, and I named him Dionysus. I love it, and I'm so grateful for the fact she decided to make it. [Harriet's blog, if you're interested, can be found here.]

The next thing I'm grateful for is my mum. What does that have to do with the photo above? On Monday evening I vacuum cleaned the house from top to bottom, and I spent a lot of time in the kitchen getting the floor spotless (well, bit-less). The above is the pile of crumbs and dirt that I brushed up at 9.30 on Tuesday morning once everyone had finished breakfast. It was annoying, because the floor had been so clean! It really made me think about my mum, and everyone else who keeps their house clean. You don't really pay attention to the efforts that they put in, but it's really hard work keeping everything spotless! I'm so grateful that she did it (and still does, in her house), and I'm so grateful that up until now I didn't have to do it. I never realised how much work it was, and I really appreciate everyone who is the primary house-keeper of their family.

You're all amazing people!

Weights on my shoulders [Part 2]

Song of the day: Icarus - Bastille

So where were we?

Consequences. Things have consequences. And we have to face them.

Yes, we do.

On the outside, my past actions of not working very hard at university and managing to get out of any prior consequences seem to have not impacted on my life in any way. After all, I didn't get into any trouble, I got good grades, went to a good university, and today I'm none the worse for wear.

I didn't take responsibility for my past actions. I blamed other circumstances. I wasn't feeling well. I just couldn't do it. Something came up. I never faced the truth. I was lazy. I didn't want to do it. I couldn't be bothered. I didn't work as hard as I could have. But now I have, I'm faced with thoughts of me not being or doing good enough. It doesn't matter if everyone else is proud of what I achieved, I know I could have done better. And that applies to most things in the last decade. For some reason, around the age of eleven I stopped caring. And now I've started again, I deeply regret large parts of the last ten years.

The other downside to never having to worry about consequences before is that now I do, and that terrifies me. I don't know how to deal with confrontation and being in the wrong, and having to own up to that. As stated in the last post, my response in the past has been to ignore it. To give up or to run away. I've become known as a quitter, and I hate that. But I've only got myself to blame.

So how does this get back to dealing with anxiety and depression? Simple.

By taking responsibility of my own actions and accepting consequences for what they are, I can help to break the cycles and just make life a lot easier for myself.

For example, a few weeks ago I let anxiety get the better of me, and I switched my phone to silent for two or three days and ignored every phone call I received.

Yup, it was not a good idea. Ignoring problems/people does not make them go away. It only makes it harder to deal with afterwards. After all, not only are you then worrying about the initial problem, you're also worrying about the fact that you're ignoring them. It all adds up, it's not mature, professional or healthy. It's just stupid.

So I'm trying to change my actions. This morning I received an email that made me anxious (because so many things do, I can't really help it). In the past I would have left it for a few hours, until the stress built up so much that I had to reply or have a nervous breakdown. Today I replied straight away. I'm still a little anxious about it, but I know that there are no actions I can take regarding it now. It's out of my hands. I have done all the actions I can do, so the ball is in their court. [I realise I'm making this email seem like a big deal. It really wasn't, I'm just trying to explain my thinking.] I did all I could, and as redundant as it seems to say it, that's all I can do. For once, I did my best.

So I decided that I'm going to try making a list of all the things that are weights on my shoulders, either due to things I did in the past (or didn't do, as the case may be) which have consequences currently arising, or things which aren't of my making, but if I do not take action and responsibility, the consequences most certainly will be.

And whilst the idea of listing my weights so I can learn how to lighten my load is primarily to help myself deal with stress and anxiety, the fact that I suffer from anxiety is going to be one of the items on the list. It's nothing that's going to go away by itself. Now that I'm aware of it, I have to remain aware of it, and do what I can to reduce it's grip on me. It may not be my fault that it affects me, but it will be my fault if I don't deal with it.

This post became a lot more ramble-y and different than I originally intended. I was going to just list the weights and talk about the best way to ease them, but I think that might have to be a private endeavour before I make it public. I'll be delving into the depths of my mind that normally remain untouched. Who knows what will surface?

Weights on my shoulders [Part 1]

It's very hard, on days like today, to talk myself into doing something. There's no particular 'something' that I should be doing, it's just a generic idea of productivity. I feel bad, so I don't want to do anything, so I don't do anything, so I feel worse. It's a horrible cycle that occurs often when one is suffering from depression [mild], and there's a similar cycle that crops up with anxiety [more severe]. Only in that case, you put off doing a task that is making you anxious, which therefore makes you even more anxious about it.

You said it, Stiles.

The most important thing is to be aware of the cycle. I'd been vaguely aware of it for some time, but it was really drilled home for me during my sessions of CBT [cognitive behavioural therapy]. It became clear that the best way to feel a bit better is to get something done. That way you can't sit around berating yourself for being lazy and unproductive, because look, you're not! Which is why I finally sat down today to write this blog post. I got up at half eight this morning, earlier than I have done in a while, and proceeded to do absolutely nothing for several hours. That's not going to make anyone feel good, let alone someone who started the day feeling down for no reason anyway.

So is there a point to this post, besides forcing myself to do something other than sit around with a weight in my chest?

Why yes, yes there is.

I've been thinking a lot recently about taking responsibility for myself. [Side note, awesome music just appeared: Sky Battle from Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. I was not expecting such dramatic music to occur at this moment.] It's partly due to having this break before I start the next big chapter of my life (i.e. starting work), but it's been building for some time.

In the past, my approach to bad things in life was a little like this:

It didn't matter what it was. Didn't do some homework? I could do it during the break it was due after, it was easy enough. If that didn't work, well, the teachers liked me, they'd accept whatever excuse I would come up with. Innocent-eyed and a good student, if I ever did do anything wrong I got away with it easily enough. Didn't revise for GCSEs? No problem, I got mostly A*s anyway. Don't revise enough for A-levels and actually get worse results? Drink too much, then blame your being sick on the chocolate you ate beforehand (which I'm still convinced played a part), and get out of trouble due to this being not-normal behaviour and you're so sorry and you'll never do it again. I never had to face consequences, so I could ignore the problems.

Then we get to university, when I'm more independent. Again, consequences don't seem to happen for when I don't do the right thing. I'm good at cramming and writing last-minute essays, which get me good grades even if they're not as good as I could do. So I ignored the fact that I wasn't working hard enough. I ignored the fact that I was having mental health issues until my flatmate coerced me into addressing them with a professional rather than just saying "oh I should probably speak to someone, this can't be completely normal, but ignore me, I'm fine". Once I stopped getting therapy, I just ignored the problem again instead of setting up a new support system. I've still not told my family the full extent (so if they happen across this, surprise! I'm fine, do we really have to have a conversation about this? I mean, we probably do, I just don't want to), and look, I'm trying to ignore a problem again! Then once university is over and I have problems with money and rent and finding a place to live and everything else that comes with being 85% independent, well... ooh look, a squirrel!

But you know what? These things did have consequences. They were just internal, and I ignored them until now.

Because now, I'm trying to pass as a 98%-independent adult, and I can't use my situation or personality or luck or anything to smooth over anything that goes wrong due to me messing up.

Accurate pictorial representation of the world.

The world doesn't work like that. It doesn't care about us as individuals. We have to care about us as individuals. So that's what I'm trying to do.

This post is getting too long. I'm going to split it. Part two can be found here.

The World (Is Going Up In Flames) [Part 3]

Song of the day: How Long - Charles Bradley 
"How long must I keep going on?"

There's something to be said about being ruthless when sorting. It's something I used to be terrible at, but the many occasions over the last year or two that my mother has asked me to clear some space in my bedroom in my parents' house so they can use it has taught me a thing or two. For example, over Christmas I decided (mum decided I was) to sort out my chest of drawers. Four large drawers, four small. Last time I sorted through it I got rid of a fair few items, so that instead of all the drawers being ready to burst, they were only semi-filled.

This time however, I was taking no prisoners. Whereas last time a few things got though the decision making process by the age old 'I might wear it one day', I was having none of that this time. After an hour or two, we were down to the following:

One drawer containing memory clothing, e.g. primary school dresses with everyone's signatures on, orchestra tour t-shirts for China and Prague.
Three boxes of jewellery, health+beauty products and other memorabilia (e.g. dance and gymnastic medals) that I just couldn't get rid of. These boxes fit into the same drawer as the above.

And I think that was it! Eight drawers down to one.

Something that helps you to be ruthless is moving the items you don't want to keep out of your room/ house as soon as possible. Last time I sorted through my clothes here in London was several months ago, but I put the clothes to-go in a pile that stayed here until this weekend. Clearing up on Saturday, however, involved me very quickly saying "yes" or "no" to items (think twice about your decision on the former, but only once about the latter), and then immediately going out to Oxfam with my bag of donations. The only textile items I have left that need to go are a bag of holey old socks, because I wasn't sure how best to get rid of them.

Day 3: 5pm, still sorting.

Being ruthless can be hard though. As you can see in the above photo, today I was sorting out my shoe collection. I owned about sixteen pairs, which I culled down to eleven today. Out of those eleven, I wear two, perhaps three on a regular occasion. Most of the eleven are heels that go with specific outfits that I wear only occasionally but don't want to get rid of yet. I don't mind about keeping them. What was hard was throwing away some of the shoes that have served me faithfully over the years but are far past it now. A pair of brown high-heeled boots that I wore almost every day last year, a pair of walking boots that I've owned for about five years and got me through the worst of work when I started but have just become too un-waterproof for me to continue using them, and a pair of black court shoes that I've had since I was in my last years in secondary school. I really like them, but I've worn them so much the heel has worn down to the point where it's dangerous to use them. They had to go. It's always hard to get rid of things that have seen you through a lot. You often don't realise you have an emotional attachment to something (why would you? It's a pair of shoes!) until you have to let it go. But it's necessary.

We've made good progress though. The room is looking much, much better than it did a few days ago, and it's making me feel better. It looks more home-y, I'm more able to find things, and it's generally just a nice room to be in! Actually getting the TV to work rather than using it as a noticeboard was a benefit I had no idea would be so great. I get to watch Harvey Specter on a screen easily three times bigger than my laptop screen. It's becoming more of a thing with every passing episode. If only I could get White Collar and Teen Wolf on there as well, I'd be a puddle of goo on the floor, and mess up all my efforts this weekend. Maybe it's a good thing we're limited to just this one show for the moment.

So what have we actually done? May I present...

Formerly-problem-area #1. It's not perfect as the dryer was commandeered before I could finish drying my duvet cover, but we're down to just reading material! And to prove that it's not all just been moved to the couch,

Ta-daa! Nothing there except for reading material either. And finally,

Formerly-problem-area #4. All nice and neat, and providing room for me to type this up in comfort, rather than hunched over a laptop sitting on a not-so-comfortable couch.

So there we have it. The room is almost complete. All that is left is the ever-looming problem area #3, which may have actually ever so slightly increased in size. But whilst I've not yet completed all that I set out to do, I have learnt something about deadlines and projects. I need to make sure my goals are realistic for the time that I have, and I probably need to procrastinate less. I have no doubt that I would have got everything finished today had I a) done something yesterday and b) not spent most all of this morning reading fanfiction and playing on empire building browser games. These projects take time, but they are doable. And they're really not as daunting as they first seem.

And tomorrow I'm going to kick problem area #3's behind.