This is what it feels like

Song of the day: None - Catching up on some Thinking Allowed podcasts. Changed half-way through writing this article to Breezeblocks - alt-J.
Currently reading: Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance - Robert Pirsig

The other day I read a post by Gala Darling saying that one should write more, so here I am again. I returned home from holiday yesterday and in that strange pre-work limbo that has me feeling unsettled. Whilst I got up early this morning and started off fairly productively - healthy leisurely breakfast, couple of loads of laundry etc, I've just not been able to settle into anything in particular and yet still feel the need to do something useful. It's now nearly 5pm and very little has been achieved. So why not write?

I think one of the main problems is that I've gone from two weeks staying in a small caravan with my family - where all four of us crammed into one small space could get pretty loud at times and privacy or a sense of one's own space and there was always something to do, if you couldn't think of something yourself then someone else would give you a job - to being by myself in a quiet fairly large house with no real sense of purpose. Whilst I needed to do a couple of household jobs, this is my last day 'off' before I go back to work. When on holiday abroad you feel the time off much more delineated. Ever aware that you've got a limited time in that location, removed from everything familiar, it's much easier to relax into a book, or a walk, or a swim, or whatever it is you want to do. Now that I'm back, and yet still not back into my routine, I just don't know what I want to use my time to do. It also doesn't help that the anticipation of going back to work tomorrow has already kicked in and my body won't let me relax fully "just in case". Just in case I forget and miss my train? In case I forget to pack? Who knows?

At least I've made some tasty meals.

 Tasty meal #1. Cabbage and carrot in a creamy peanut sauce w/ king prawns in lime and coriander.

It's just another case of annoying anxiety that I'm learning to deal with but would still like to improve a lot on. As mentioned in the last post, I'm hoping making yoga and meditation more routine will help, but there's something else I think could help immensely.

Doing things that scare me and that I get really anxious about.

I can think of two immediate examples of this. The first was the first time I attended an acting class a couple of years ago. I signed up for it because the thought of it terrified me. I mean I literally felt paralysed with fear and the thought of going. But I also realised that this was ridiculous - it was a class for beginners and would mostly just be little games. Why was I getting worried about a situation where no one would know each other and we were also not expected to have any knowledge of the subject? In the end I went, and it did me so much good that I'm really annoyed that I haven't been able to go to a class in nearly a year now.

The second example is a bit more recent. Last week the sun actually shined and my family and I took advantage of the fact we were right by a lake. Canoeing! Or, kayaking! We weren't exactly sure which it was, and the two boats we took out were different so that wasn't exactly helpful. Spending three hours floating around the lake over two days was lovely. It was incredibly peaceful, it was fairly meditative, it was a good way to talk to first my mum and then my sister, and it was also good exercise. I loved it, and I really wish it hadn't rained as much in the first week because I would have gone out so many more times. I would actually love to do a canoe/kayak holiday now.

But when the idea was first suggested, I felt uneasy about it. The feeling grew the closer we got to actually walking down to the lake, until I was really very anxious about it. I couldn't work out why - we would be wearing lifejackets in case we fell in, but that was unlikely as it was a very still, small lake on a day with no breeze. I also know how to swim, and am strong enough at it to swim a fair distance or at least keep myself afloat. It would just be my family and no one else would be watching. Why then, did the thought terrify me to the point where I sort of didn't want to do it?

Tasty meal #2 - stuffed mushrooms w/ tenderstem broccoli, butternut squash and courgette and a nice mug of tea.

In the last few years I've got used to not putting myself out there. I don't try new things. I don't socialise with new people. I've got used to sticking to my routines, as much as I have any. When talking about what I like to do of an evening, I'm one of those people who say "Oh I much prefer a quiet night in". I do like a quiet night in. But you know what? I really like going out to a bar and dancing all night amidst many a shot of tequila - something I admittedly only do once in a blue moon as my immediate social circle just does not do this. And that's another problem - I only have an immediate social circle and most of them don't live close by. Because of this, I rarely meet new people and I rarely try new activities.

Whilst this might seem useful to someone suffering from anxiety - oh look, there's nothing scary and new to try, everything's always fine - the fact that I don't try anything new and that new now equals 'scary' is not useful at all! I used to be adventurous. I've always loved to travel and wanted to do more of it. But now the thought of it is starting to feel a bit nerve-wracking. I get this a lot - anxiety about things that stops me doing what I know I would probably enjoy. And it's because I don't do those things in the first place that this happens! It's a vicious cycle.

But at least I know it's there. I know this is a problem, and one that I have to counteract.

I realise this entry, yet again, reads as fairly dear diary-ish. But it's something I feel has relevance to a lot of people. I had a conversation with my sister the other day about what she wants to do now that she's graduated. She said that she would like to live in Cambridge, and when asked why answered that it would just be a nice place to live since it's got all the things she likes to do, like going for walks along the river, reading a book on the banks and it's really quiet and pretty. There's nothing wrong with these things. But she's 20 and these are all she's known for the last 3 years, and yet there's no immediate burning desire to go out and explore the world (I've been trying to get her to go and look after baby lion cubs in Africa for a month or so). I know the way I view life is not the same way everyone does, so if she's happy with those things that's great for her, but it just points to the way that people get stuck in their routines.

And I'm definitely stuck in mine.

View from my window right now: there's a storm brewing.

It's the same with socialising for me - if I haven't spoken to my friends in a while I get used to it and don't feel like reaching out to them. Once I have I remember how much I need to stay in contact with them all over again and it's much easier a second time. But that initial one... routines, man, they're both good for me but deadly.

I suppose the very roundabout point of this post is that I realised I can't live up to the saying "some people die at 25 but aren't buried until 75". I have dreams and goals and plans and I absolutely love life and all that it has to offer. I just don't take it up on it, and then get scared to try.

So one of my goals for the next few months/year is to try. I want to go to another acting class or another creative-type class. I want to be a better friend and stay in touch properly. I'd like to try gliding again, or rowing, I'd like to try surfing (although when and where are another issue). I'd like to go to events that sound interesting and are open to the general public, even if I don't know anyone else going - I could meet people! I want to... I don't even know what I want to do. Any suggestions? I want to live. I want someone to ask me what I enjoy doing and have an interesting answer. I don't want to become stagnant.

And one day I'd like my idols to become my colleagues.

In a follow-up from Wednesday, whilst I've not done it everyday I have done a lot more yoga this week and checked my finances today. Not as good as I'd hoped, not as bad as I'd feared. If my expenses come in this week it'll look even better next weekend! It had been three months since I'd last properly looked at them according to moneydashboard, and instantly I noticed that I spend a fair amount each month on takeaways. That's going to stop. I also need to actually eat breakfast in the hotel in which it's already paid for rather than waiting until I get to the office to eat. That'll save me a fair bit.

On the whole though, not too bad. But I've been doing the things I 'want to work on' for all of four days. It'll take more than this for me to count it as a proper success.

What-I-want-to-work-on Wednesday

Song of the day: Safari Disco Club - Yelle

Currently reading: Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance – Robert Persig

For one, I’m going to have to work on keeping this blog more regularly updated if I want to make the title of this post into a thing.

Despite it being a lovely day this afternoon, perfect for settling down with a book – not too hot (the sun having finally gone behind the caravan, leaving nothing but clear blue sky and lovely shade), fairly quiet as the Tour de France passed by a couple of hours earlier and people have actually left the campsite already in the aftermath, and me with nothing pressing to do – I just couldn’t settle. Despite being only 29% of the way through it, Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance is a book that’s got me thinking about life. Specifically, my life, and all the things I want to do with it.

Not a cloud to be seen! Gorgeous day

The line that set me off on this trail of thought was actually something I read the day before yesterday. It was along the lines of… the “I” character woke up early, and decided to try and get back to sleep for a bit before hearing a rooster crow. He then thinks why would he want to sleep in? He’s on holiday!

It struck me because as you’re aware, I’m currently on a holiday that is fast coming to an end. Tomorrow is our last full day before we pack up and make the two day journey back home. It’s also only the second truly sunny day where the world really does seem our oyster and the possibilities endless (despite the unbearable heat for most of the day). We’ve not had the rain trapping us indoors and limiting what we can do.

But going back to the line about waking up early. One thing that has happened on this holiday, despite my attempts at the start to resist it, has been our getting up later and later every day. The whole family ended up averaging about 10:45. By that point, your morning is completely gone and you're not going to get a whole lot done in the day. The argument given by us and most people who do the exact same thing whilst vacationing is that they don't get to sleep as much as they want during the work week, so they're going to take the opportunity to do as little as possible whilst they have the chance.

The book points out another option: why would we want to sleep in and do nothing on the rare occasions we do not have to go to work? We have very limited free time to do what we wish, why waste it? I'm quite lucky with my job in that despite being at entry-level still (I've only had the role since February), I get 30 days off per year. That's a full six weeks. My mother doesn't get that much time off. But it's still a really short amount of time that you get to spend anyway you like. A two week holiday, such as the one I'm on now, takes up a third of those days. Why would I want to spend them asleep?

So to bring this back around to my original topic, I started thinking about the way I want to spend my free time. Or rather, my life. I want to use my free time to do the things I want to do in my life, as obvious a sentence as that sounds. I started browsing a couple of websites that pertain to things like health and fitness, finances, travel etc... and came up with a couple more things to add to my Epic Quest of Awesome (idea courtesy of NerdFitness), a list that I'm sure will be posted here at some point.

Whilst most of the items on the list were larger things, a number could be broken down and involved just making life better/easier for myself. It's those that I wanted to touch upon here.

What-I-want-to-work-on Wednesday is a showcase/itemisation of a couple of the more immediate things I want to work on (see what I did there?) to get myself a little closer to some of these goals/aspirations (I'm not sure whether that's more tautology than I wanted to use there, but I couldn't think of the word I wanted so we're just all going to have to suffer).

So without further ado...

Finances - Check my bank balance every week.

I'm not really in any danger of spending over my means at the moment, but I am living pay-cheque to pay-cheque. As I always have. Doesn't matter the size of the pay-cheque, I'll manage to make my expenses meet that pretty much spot-on. This has to stop. I want to be able to save money. But I can't change something unless I know what my habits are, and at the moment I'm doing the tried-and-tested method of burying my head in the sand and pretending it doesn't exist. This comes from my years as a student in constant debt and always in my overdraft. If I just ignored it everything would work out in the end because I'd get more student loan that would take me back to zero. It wasn't the most sensible coping mechanism in the world, but it got me through. Right now, however, there's no benefit to doing that. There wasn't then. The less I know about my finances and my spending habits, the scarier they become and the less in control I feel. So whilst I do have bigger financial goals, for the moment I just want to work on becoming more aware of what I'm doing.

Me when I check my bank account having ignored it for a couple of months.

Health - Daily yoga and meditation practice.

This would have several benefits. If we take the most obvious ones to start with, doing more yoga would be good for my physically. I used to do at least 5 minutes of it (once through a sun salutation) every day, often longer, and I felt so much better for it. I used to sleep better, I was in less pain, I was just generally more comfortable and more flexible and I felt good. Whilst I still do yoga occasionally, it's much more sporadic nowadays and starting up again would do me the world of good. Adding meditation to this as well - even just 5 minutes per day - will be good for peace of mind, encourage gratitude, and help ease anxiety, as will yoga. The other benefit the two of these will have is helping me get up earlier. I want to start swimming in the morning before work, but whilst I've got plenty of time I've started sleeping in as much as I can before I absolutely "must" get up. No matter what I tell myself the night before, I hit snooze several times when my alarm goes off in the morning. I want to make the mornings mine. If it only takes me 5 minutes to get to work from the hotel and I need to be in by 9, I could potentially have an hour and a half to myself in the morning. There's no need for me to rush, but sometimes I don't even manage to grab breakfast before I leave! Introducing 5-10 minutes of yoga and 5 minutes of meditation to my mornings will be a gentle way to ease myself into getting up earlier, so that I do manage to get into a routine of swimming and/or spending the mornings in a way that's best for me.

I'll probably think of more once I've finished writing this post, but for now I think these things are enough to be getting on with. Of course there are loads more things I want to do, but for the immediate future it's best if I don't overload myself. The more I try to say I will definitely do, the less I'm likely to manage. 10-15 minutes per day is probably going to be hard enough to do to start with, even if it eventually (hopefully) becomes second nature.

And that's why I'd like to make "What-I-want-to-work-on Wednesday" a sort-of thing. I can't promise that I'll be posting every Wednesday, but it'd be nice to have something to remind me to think about the little improvements I can make to make my life easier over time. In a world full of big ideas and so much to do, we often forget that the little things are just as important.

Rain don't change the sun

Song of the day: This Is What It Feels Like - Banks.

Currently reading: Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance - Robert Pirsig

It's taken me a long time to decide on the title of this blog post. So long, in fact, that whilst I'm writing this it currently does not exist. I have a vague idea of what I would like to write about, but whilst I normally come up with a title very easily my mind is pretty blank today.

I'm currently in my second week of my summer holiday, in Clairvaux Les Lacs, Jura, France. The weather outside right this moment is lovely and sunny but with just enough cloud to provide a little respite from the heat here and there. I myself have retreated indoors. Half an hour lying in the direct sunlight earlier today have been quite enough for now, and I need a bit more of a break.

My original plan for this holiday had three prongs. I wanted to sunbathe, as I'd been really enjoying the half an hour of sun I was able to soak up during lunch hours at work and wanted the chance to experience it more. I also wanted to read more, since I'm usually too tired after work to do so. And finally I wanted to swim a lot, eat healthily and maybe lose a bit of weight. Or at least get fitter.

The first day here was wonderful. It was lovely weather, I read a decent amount of A Feast for Crows and I went swimming. But then came the rain. And for an entire week, it poured without pause. And it was freezing.

In my very eloquent and descriptive words via snapchat to a friend...

So of course, sunbathing went out the window. Every day when I checked the weather forecast, I was slightly disheartened to know that had I stayed at home the weather would have been wonderful. But alas, there was I was, stuck in the rain but determined to make the most of it.

And for the most part, I did. Rain may not be very conducive to sunbathing or sight-seeing or lake-swimming - my mother's two preferred holiday pastimes, but it does give you a lot of time to read. So read I shall.

But it's the final thing I mainly wanted to talk about. Swimming, eating healthily and getting fitter.

I'll just say it right now. It's not gone according to plan. I haven't swam every day. Aside from the fact that on some days it's just been too wet and too cold to leave the caravan and treck down to the pool, it's also a very different campsite to the one we were on last year. Last summer I did go swimming everyday, even if the weather wasn't particularly nice. Despite it being the same time of year, the campsite itself had very few children and so my mother, Harriet and I had the pool to ourselves for the most part. It meant that I was happy to stay in there for a long time, gradually going from 30 lengths at the start of the holiday to between 75-100 lengths by the end.

This terrifies me.

This time though the pool is just far too busy. It takes much longer than it should to navigate from one side of the pool to the other, and the children here - or rather, the teenagers - are at that age that they don't pay attention to themselves in relation to their environment. I'm thinking here of the game where one person sits on another's shoulders and faces off against another team (or in this case, two), and tries to push the others off. I don't mind people playing that in the pool if it's not particularly busy, or if they stay to one end. But these kids were taking up the entire pool which was fairly packed (as it was raining so everyone had amassed upon the indoor pool) and did not care who got in their way. They weren't going to get out of yours. It's all very well that happening with people like my mother and I trying to swim, but there were babies close by to them learning to swim. And I do mean babies. Towards the end I could hardly watch, I was just terrified something dreadful was going to happen.

But yes. I've been swimming three times and we've been here a week and a half. For a lot of the week and a half I've been sat in one position on the couch all day. Definitely not as much exercise as I had planned. I would have done some in the caravan, but due to the rain all the family has been stuck in the same room, which means there hasn't been the space to do so.

However, as much as I'm making excuses about the exercise, a large part of it is my fault. There's no one else to blame. I could go down for a swim in the rain or the cold, I just chose not to. I could exercise whilst my family are around, I just chose not to. I could go for a rain or a run outside, I just chose not to.

I've yet to reach the "I enjoy consistent exercise" stage.

The one area it has been more difficult for me to control - and also the most important area - has been my diet. I really don't like the diet my family have. It just doesn't agree with me. It's not particularly unhealthy - they make everything from scratch and there's usually vegetables in there somewhere, but most meals revolve around pasta or rice or potatoes. To some extent I've got around this - we had wholewheat pasta one night (my body just does not like white pasta at all), and when we've had potatoes I've bought sweet potatoes to have instead. I also had a sweet potato last night instead of the pasta. But other than that, there's lots of tinned things and creamy/cheesy sauces. There's also lots and lots of bread. I mean, we're in France. But we get through at least a baguette per day.

I'm not one of those "all carbs are evil" people. I prefer not to overload on white empty carbs, but that's because they don't agree with me. I know this because I haven't lived with my parents full-time in over four years now, and I feel much better if I eat what I tend to cook rather than what they do. But whilst I get to make a couple of meals here and there - I'm making gnocchi (again, not my preferred base health-wise although very tasty) with a courgette/aubergine tomato sauce, so there'll be a lot of veg in there - my parents are footing the bill so what they want goes.

At least I haven't overindulged as much as I have in the past. I don't think I've lost any weight - in fact I may have gained a little - but nowhere near as bad as I have some years. My goal for this month, after losing practically no weight last month, was to lose 5 lbs and this holiday was going to be key for that. It both has and hasn't been. It's true, I haven't lost much - if any - weight or lived particularly healthily...

Some of those would have been tasty.

But I have realised that I'm not doing enough and it's my fault. I'm not picking the healthier options all the time (I'm all for treating yourself occasionally, but my occasionally at the moment is practically every other day), and I'm also finding plenty of excuses not to do any exercise.

One of my current -albeit fairly good - excuses is that my back is sore. I injured it at the gym over a month ago now, but whilst it felt like it had got better and the pain vanished after three weeks of annoyance, it's back with a vengeance. I first noticed the pain return the day after I'd helped my sister move our of her room at university (I probably didn't lift the heavy boxes properly), but it's been nearly three weeks since then now and it's still sore. Swimming exacerbates it and I can feel it even when just lying or sitting down. Standing seems to help, but it's just very frustrating. I'm going to try and go back to the physiotherapist as soon as I can, but if it is what he thinks there doesn't seem to be a cure. It's supposed to just heal itself. But at the same time, that doesn't seem to be happening! Arghh.

Anyway, what was intended to be a thoughtful reflection on the trials and tribulations of health and fitness and how, despite good intentions, one has to be wary of excuses and recognise when you're making them, seems to have turned into a bit of a dear diary/ rant about my holiday so far. Oh well, so be it. This is unlikely to be the last time health and fitness is mentioned.

Moral of the story.

It's very warm again now despite being indoors, so I may move outside again. Perhaps there'll be a little breeze in the shade.